31/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear on Star Trek:

When I said "Beam me up", I think you missed a very important part of me.

30/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear in Star Trek:

Captain, was that a British Police Box going the other way?

P.S. I am unlikely to be on tommorow...sorry :(

29/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear at Asda:

Can Tes Cosis-Cheaper, thats Tes Cosis Cheaper please come to the reception please.

(Sorry if you don't get it, but the spaces in other places)

28/5/11

Unlikely junk mail:

Pizza, buy one, pay full price.

27/5/11

Ways the Prime Minister should address the nation:

It's time you know the true earthlings!

26/5/11

Things you don't want to hear on a space flight to Mars:

Today is "Bring your child to work day" so this shuttle is been flown by my 3 year-old daughter Fifi

25/5/11

Bad things to hear on a flight to Mars:

Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!? Are we there yet!?

24/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear on a DIY show:

And today we will show you how to unblock the toilet after the huge s*** I had last night

23/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear on a DIY programme:

And that's how you plumb a toilet. And now I'm gonna have a crap. Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg!

22/5/11

Bad things to hear at Christmas:

Being an atheist I didnt't think you wanted anything

21/5/11

Things you wouldn't read on a packet:

We use only the cheapest horse meat in screw it, it's just a cat!

20/5/11

Bad ways to start a famous speech:

Wassup homies!

19/5/11

Famous Last Words:

They couldn't hit an eleph....

18/5/11

"Hey guys, how about a headline for the newspaper tomorrow, French Fries"

James French, sent to death by electric chair

17/5/11

Famous last words:

It's not poisonous

16/5/11

Bad things to say at a funeral:

Another one bites the dust

15/5/11

Things George Galloway would never say:

No Comment

14/5/11

Sorry about yesterday, I was very busy and when I had time Blogger was down so I couldn't post. So here's today:

Sunny Light counts towards your 5-a-day, as minus 2.

12/5/11

Bad things to say on a first date:

When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV positive

11/5/11

Harry Potter first lines that never made it:

"I'll cure it Hermione, Clamidia Dissapero"

10/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear on Songs of Praise:

Hello Canterbury, lets make some f****** noise!

9/5/11

Things the queen would never say:

Oh f*** me the f****** national anthem gets s*** after 50 years

8/5/11

Things a Prime Minister should never say when addressing the country:

To the country and all of it's occupants, when I do this I get so excited, a little bit of wee comes out of me

7/5/11

Things a newsreader would never say:

This assault was too gruesome to describe, but lets have a go anyway

6/5/11

Things you wouldn't hear at the Olympics:

AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!!!

5/5/11

Things you would read on a packet:

This nutty peanut sauce is perfect accompanied with a rice dish. Use as a sex lubricant on in the direst of circumstances.

4/5/11

This can only be told once a year so I'll tell it today:

It's Star Wars day today!

Is it?

Yeah, "May the fourth" be with you!

3/5/11

Things you should never say on a first date:

When I said I was a positive person, I meant HIV

2/5/11

This was taken from the directions from the film about Gandhi's life:

Director:I want you to portray to them that Gandhi's died and it's a stupendous event darling,stupendous! <---- (Imagine in a fairly camp voice)

Organizer: Alright you lot, Gandhi's dead and your all f****** sad!

1/5/11

Things you wouldn't want to hear on an airplane:

Bing Bong. To all passengers. We are about to crash into the sea about 1 hour away from Panama. If you do not die instantly on impact you will freeze to death with 25 minutes. You ARE going to die. You cannot swim all the way. However if you look your left window, you will see me and the co-pilot on the safety raft. Bye-bye.